


The Great Pretender

by Living_On_My_Own



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Depression, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:06:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24682813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_On_My_Own/pseuds/Living_On_My_Own
Summary: Yes I'm the great pretenderPretending that I'm doing wellMy need is such I pretend too muchI'm lonely but no one can tell
Relationships: John Deacon/Freddie Mercury, John Deacon/Veronica Tetzlaff
Kudos: 7





	The Great Pretender

3rd person's POV:

The four man's entered in the studio. An other happy day was announced for the four of them, as always. They all went to their places. They started recording as soon as possible, knowing they didn't have a lot of time to finish their new album.

They all were in a good mood today, feeling like they could finish everything in a few minutes, which wasn't actually true. They recorded a new song written by Freddie called It's A Hard Life. They managed to do it without Freddie intervening every two seconds.

When they were about to leave the studio, Freddie stopped John to talk to him. He was a bit anxious about telling him what he was about to tell him.

"I need to tell you something. I hope it won't change anything between us. I-I I'm in love with you." He said quietly.

"I'm very flattered Freddie, I just- I'm not gay. I'm sorry. Beside, I'm already with someone Fred. I'm truly sorry." He said.

"Oh! It's fine lovey! Don't worry!" He smiled looking truly okay with it.

John smiled at him. They said goodbye and went both to their house. An other finished day.

After a few weeks, they finished the album. They were all proud of themselves. They decided to go out. Freddie declined the offer, confusing his band mates.

"Why aren't you coming with us Fred? You'll have fun! You can go back with someone to be in your bed if you want to!" Brian exclaimed.

"Oh no thank you. I think I'll just take it relax today. I'm quite tired." The older man replied.

"You're never tired Freddie." Roger rolled his eyes.

"Come on! You can't just dump us like that! We'll have fun! You can find someone to shag! I'm sure you can't resist to that!" The guitarist continued under the stare of the bassist.

"Never." Freddie smirked.

They all went to the nearest bar from the studio. They quickly got drunk. Freddie disappeared not long after they arrived. They all guessed he was back home with a man or a woman I'm his bed, having the time of his life.

Another few weeks later, John announced he was getting married. With a girl named Veronica, that none of the guys ever met. John invited them to his wedding.

They all went, happy to see their best friend get married to the one that made him happy. When the priest asked if anyone was opposing themselves to this marriage, nobody said a thing. The priest announced John Deacon and Veronica Tetzlaff husband and wife. They kissed each other and everyone cheered.

They said thank you to each person who went to their wedding at the party. They had their first dance as a married couple. The sound in a background was Love Of My Life. Everyone had fun at the party.

John went on a honeymoon with his wife for two weeks. When they came back, the guys decided to start recording some news songs already, to be a bit in advance of their schedules.

Of course, Freddie and Roger had to fight. Because, why wouldn't they? Freddie was mad at him because he wouldn't play what he wanted and Roger kept saying that his idea fit better with the song.

"Why don't you want to listen to my ideas too?!" Roger shouted.

"Because I always do! I can't write one fucking song without you having to change every fucking thing! God! You're so fucking annoying sometimes!" Freddie shouted back.

"Do you look at yourself sometimes?!" The drummer yelled.

"Yes! And all I can see is that I'm not a fucking fuck boy like you are! Always asking for the fucking attention of women!"

"You can't say that when you always bring people home to fuck them! That's all you do! Fuck, take drugs and get drunk! That's why no one fucking loves and never will!" The younger man growled.

"Shut up. You don't know anything about me. You don't know anything." The singer snapped.

He stormed out, slamming the door behind him, making the whole studio shake. John and Brian looked at Roger disapprovingly.

"You're his best friend Roger. You can't say something like that. Would you like to be told that?" John almost scolded him.

"He fucking started it." The blond haired man said.

"Does it change anything? You can't say that to your best friend. You wouldn't say that to anyone. Then why would you say that to your best friend?" Brian said calmly.

"Whatever." Roger said, stubbornly.

He walked out quickly too, leaving his two band mates alone, not knowing what to do. They both went back home to their girlfriend/wife, trying to forget this eventful morning.

A few days later, they were still continuing to record. Roger and Freddie didn't talk about what happened, they acted like nothing happened. They seemed almost closer than usually. It confused a lot Brian and Roger.

"How do you do to be so happy and energic everyday?" Brian asked the singer.

"It's simple, I just am!" Freddie laughed.

Brian laughed with him.

Brian, John and Roger wanted to make a party. The singer wasn't too much in the mood. They begged him to do the party at his house because it was the bigger. He couldn't bring himself to say no.

So they did it. The same night, they invited as much people as possible. They all gathered in Freddie's house and had fun until the early hours. Almost everyone was drunk.

The bottles of alcohol were laying all around the house, all of them were empty. Drugs were found too. People left when the sun started coming out. All of them went home. Leaving the singer all on his own.

No matter how big their headache was, they all went to the studio that day. Only one was missing. Freddie didn't show up. The other three were quite annoyed. They waited a few hours. The phone ringed. Brian went to answer it. It was in an other room.

"So Fred, what's your excuse this time?" Brian snarked.

"H-hey Brian. It's not Freddie. It's Miami. I hum, I have really bad news." He said through the phone sending a little wave of panic over Brian.

"W-what is it?" The guitarist asked nervously.

"Freddie's in the hospital." Their manager said quickly.

"W-what?! Why?"

"He... I hate to say it over the phone. I simply hate to say it. He tried to kill himself." Miami said.

The curly haired man froze. Every previous thoughts in his head leaving quickly. Letting it's place for worry and confusion.

"Thank you Miami. I'll tell the others. We'll be here as soon as possible." He whispered before hanging up quickly.

He went to the room where John and Roger were again.

"So, is he coming at all? What's his excuse this time?" Roger smirked.

The tall man didn't answer anything. He stared at nothing, trying to find a way to let these words out.

"What is it Brian?" John asked seeing his friend looking weird.

"H-he's in the hospital." He whispered, his own words paining him.

Roger laughed.

"What? Took too much drugs? We kept warning him about that he wouldn't listen to us." He said.

"What?!" John exclaimed.

"We warned him. It's his pro-" Roger was starting to say.

"SHUT UP!" Brian shouted, his body trembling as tears started falling down his face.

"What happened Brian?" The bassist asked quietly.

"A suicide attempt. That's what happened." He whispered.

The other two men gasped. Both of their heads starting to fill with worry too. They brought Brian with them, already getting in Roger's car, not wasting time to go and see him.

Unfortunately, when they arrived for he hospital, they were told that they couldn't see him yet. For now, only the family could see him. Roger yelled at the doctor, trying to change his mind, but he didn't let them.

They decided to go to his house, each of them having a key to his house that the singer gave them. They quickly started searching something, anything that could make them understand. They stopped searching when John told them he found something. Brian and Roger joined him in the bedroom, seeing the younger man with a notebook in his hands.

"I thought it would be better if I waited for you two to read it." The bassist said.

He opened the first page. He knew that what he found was something important. The book filled with words that meant something important. Filled with words that would make them understand.

The first page started with a date.

January 13th 1984

I think it all began that exact day. It already was happening and I knew it, but it wasn't that bad. That day was the day John broke my heart. The day he rejected all the love I gave him. I told him how I felt, that I was in love with him. I kind of guessed it wouldn't end like I wanted it to end. He told me he was flattered, but not gay. He told me he already was with someone. I pretended it didn't bother me. That it wouldn't change anything. That it didn't affect me. I came home after this tiring day. I opened the door of my giant and cold house. Greeted, by nobody but my own shadow. Oh and maybe, a cat. Goliath went at my feet and left after saying me hello. I closed the door behind me. I let my tears finally come out, of everything I've been holding in. I didn't bother to make myself dinner. I went to the bed. Waited for the hours to pass to not be alone again. I didn't fall asleep.

The bassist looked at the words over and over again, trying to find something he didn't read correctly. But he really saw what was written.

"He told you he was in love with you?" The guitarist asked.

The younger man nodded, feeling like he was gonna explode. He didn't see anything. Their best friend was crying for help all this time, none of them saw anything. None of them saw behind the smile he was always wearing.

February 27th 1984

We finished the album. The guys wanted me to come with them to a club. I tried to tell them I wasn't in the mood. I said I was tired. Brian insisted, telling me that he knew I couldn't resist a shag at the end of the night. That I couldn't keep myself from taking someone home. But they didn't understand. All they thought of me was a man that shagged someone different each night. That I was doing drugs each night, enjoying myself in a bar. Not caring about anything else. Not thinking about the consequences. I wasn't anything more than that to them. I finally agreed to follow them, I told Brian that yes, I could never resist a good shag. Of course, for them, I couldn't have any feelings. I barely spent any time with anyone. When they thought I was bringing people home, I was just gone, maybe crying at home. When we arrived at the bar, they got drunk quickly. I left and no one noticed it. They never cared. They were fine the three of them, together, without me. I saw them hanging out a lot of times, just the three of them. They never told me, I never got invited. Maybe I wasn't that important to them. Who was I important to anyway?

The guitarist wished he didn't say all those awful words to his best friend. Because, they couldn't lie, they really thought he was doing that. They really thought he was bringing people home often.

"We're so stupid." John breathed out.

He hated that he made his friend feel this way. Do these things. Make him feel bad about himself. Brian found himself horrible for that. He wanted to go back in time, but he couldn't. He didn't even know if his friend was fine.

April 18th 1984

John got married. He got married. An other person was wearing his last name. A woman was wearing a ring that was from him. During all the ceremony, I sat at my bench, wanting to just run away and never come back. The priest asked if anyone was opposing themselves to this marriage. My lips burned to yell that I was. I wanted to get up, to lift my hand. I wanted to stop all this, but it wouldn't have been of any use. He didn't love me. I needed to keep telling myself that. He didn't love me, and he never will. He would have just hated me. I couldn't handle that. I could barely even handle the fact that he didn't care about me. It would be too much if he hated me too. They did their first dance with the song Love Of My Life. So ironic that he danced during his marriage on a song that was written by the man that loved him, for him. Behind all that bullshit about Mary, it was for really for him. It always has been. Nobody saw it when I left the party. I went back home. Goliath looked at me while I cried. He went in my arms. I whispered to him that he was the last one that understood me. He fought me to escape my arms. It was all too much.

The next page wasn't the same as the others. There was written at the top of it 'The Great Pretender ' with a little smiling face beside it. There was a drawing of three women, each of them with an arrow that pointed to a name. Freddie, Roger and Peter.

There was four square. All of them with drawings of scenes. One of them was the place where they filmed 'I Want To Break Free ' an other one with one of the scenes of ' I Was Born To Love You' and other one with stairs and dozens of himself. The last square was filled with a sketch of him with clothes on. His moustache was shaved. He had silk pants coat and shirt.

There was one sentence written in the middle of the page. One sentence that meant everything. You've left me to dream all alone.

"The great pretender." Roger whispered.

He looked at his band mates, all of them understand the real meaning of this. The great pretender, it was him. He was the great pretender.

May 2nd 1984

Roger and I fought. He kept changing the drums in the new song. He wouldn't listen to me. I called him a fuck boy. I was mad. He replied that I couldn't say anything. That I wasn't better than him. He yelled at me that all I was doing was fuck, take drugs and get drunk. He said that it's why no one loved me and never will. I told him to shut up, that he didn't know anything. He knew more than he thought he did. Part of what he said was right. No one loves me and no one ever will. I stormed out of the studio and slammed the door shut. I pretended I was angry. I wasn't angry. I came back home as much as I didn't want to. His words hurt me. But he was right. I couldn't say anything, because he was right. I imagined that they were probably already having fun again together. Maybe making fun of me, who knows? This time, Goliath didn't come to see me. I was alone. Completely alone. I began thinking that, growing, it's disappointing the people we love. This night, I ended up cutting myself more than usual. An other thing they didn't notice.

The words began hitting them harder and harder. Each time more regrets grew in them. Why didn't they see anything? Why didn't they help him? He thought he was alone. They were all selfish.

May 14th 1984

I'm tired. So tired of everything. My life is now a graveyard of buried hopes. Roger didn't talk to me about our fight. I didn't either. Brian asked me how I was so happy. I wanted to laugh in his face. I almost replied that it's easy to cry at night to be able to smile the next day. I just replied that I was. I think it's the biggest lie I said in my whole life. The boys wanted to do a party. Of course, they begged me to do it in my house. I couldn't say no again. We invited maybe a hundred of persons. Drugs and alcohol were laying around the house. I wanted to scream at everyone. To stop the noise that was making me become crazy. I wanted to tell them all that it would be their last time seeing me. That it was probably all their fault. It wouldn't have done anything. They didn't care about that. I locked myself in my room. I closed myself from them, as always. I listened to my heartbeat, only wanting to end it. I screamed as loud as I could. Nobody heard me, the were too busy having fun. I just wanted to lay on the floor, let myself die. The noise faded from downstairs as the hours passed and I started at the ceiling. It seemed so surprising. All these years, I've been writing songs. All of them filled with words full of pain and emotions. I've been pouring my heart in my songs. Trying to make the world understand. Trying to make them get the message. Didn't they see anything? Didn't they see I was yelling at them for help. They never saw it. I've been showing them I was fine. All this time I've been wanting to leave everything behind me to just die. I've been telling myself it wasn't the solution. That it would stop. I would be happy again. It couldn't be the end. Maybe it was. Maybe since the beggining, it was the only issue. Right now, it's the only issue. I've been the great pretender since the beggining. It's time for them to see. It's time for the world to find out I'm not the one they thought I was. I'm not the Freddie Mercury everyone see me like. I'm the broken version of what people see.

Tears were present in the eyes of the three friends. They felt the pain of their best friend for only a few minutes. They didn't understand how he was able to feel like that for years.

"How didn't we see anything?" Brian whispered.

"We were too fixed on our own little problems to see what worse was happening." John replied.

He was mad at himself. He was mad at Brian and Roger. He was mad that they didn't help him get better, feel better.

"We need to talk to him." Brian said quietly.

"You know, maybe he won't want to talk at all. I wouldn't blame him." Roger said.

"John, you're the one he'll want to talk to the most." Brian told him.

The bassist nodded. He needed to do it.

Freddie's POV:

The ceiling was too white to my sight.  
The room was too noisy for me. My thoughts too loud. They weren't there. They didn't come. They didn't care.

I didn't want to fight anymore. For so long, I tried to find the sun in the night. I didn't want them to save me. I wanted them to kill me, to make the pain leave. I just wanted to sleep. To never wake up again.

I closed my eyes as the door opened. Someone entered the room. I heard their steps on the floor. The person brought a chair beside my bed, sitting beside me.

"I'm so sorry." The man said quietly, making clear that he was crying.

I didn't want to open my eyes. I didn't want to have to explain to him. To tell him all I was feeling. To tell him what happened. I felt his hand on my cheek. His thumb brushing over it gently.

Before I knew it, I felt his lips on mine. He was kissing me. John was kissing me. I slowly opened my eyes, wanting to be sure I wasn't dreaming. He was really kissing me.

I moved my lips against his. He pulled away too quickly. That's when I realised that, he shouldn't be doing this. He was married to a woman. This woman was waiting for him at home.

I sat up slowly, feeling my head hurting a bit. I was feeling quite dizzy. He looked at me. He cupped my cheeks with both of his hands. A few tears fell down my face as I closed my eyes. He would be leaving soon and it would be the same as yesterday.

He put his forehead on mine. My cries became louder. I felt him starting to cry too. He removed the tears from my face with his thumbs. It didn't change anything as the tears continued to fall.

"Why were you so stupid? We could have helped you. Y-you should have told us the truth." He cried.

"You kept thinking what you wanted to think about me. It wouldn't have changed anything." I whispered.

"It would have changed everything." He said before putting his lips on mine again.

"Y-you have a wife John. You c-can't do that to h-her." I told him after pushing him away.

I didn't want to push him away. I wanted to feel the warm of his body on mine forever, but I couldn't ruin his life like that. He would end up hating me for it.

"I've been waiting so long to do that." He said while looking deeply in my eyes.

He took my hands, turning them so they were facing the ceiling, revealing the scars on both of my wrists. He looked at me sadly. He brought my for arms to his lips, kissing every little red line. He let go of my hands to take my waist. He kissed me on my lips. It lasted a few seconds. He pulled away to look in my eyes.

"I'm never leaving you ever again." He whispered.


End file.
